Special days, like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, Sundays and many, many others, offer challenges to anyone who has suffered a loss. These days are glaring reminders of the absence of a loved one. We may find that our emotionality is heightened just prior, during and just after any special day. Many people who are grieving are surprised at this phenomenon and truly feel blindsided.

Another surprise that often catches people unaware is the emotional difficulty they experience during the second year. This is often true because people think that they have managed this particular event without the loved one, so it will be easier the second time. They do not prepare for the emotional impact and are shocked. Or, they realize, with hindsight, that during the particular event in the first year they were quite numb, and in the second year they are fully feeling their feelings.

Here are some tips to help you through the holidays and any special days: 

  • Get plenty of rest.
  • Set reasonable expectations for yourself. Don’t try to do everything and see everyone.
  • Be realistic about what can and cannot be done.
  • Schedule brief breaks to be alone.
  • Try to tell those around you what you really need, since they may not know how to help you. Ask for their understanding if you withdraw from an activity that doesn’t feel like a good idea to you.
  • Acknowledge to yourself that the occasion may be painful at times.
  • Let yourself feel whatever you feel.
  • Express feelings in a way that is not hurtful.
  • Don’t be afraid to rethink traditions. Keep in mind that traditions, even long-standing ones, can be changed and can be resumed next year, or not.
  • Limit your time — grief is emotionally and physically exhausting.
  • Take time for yourself for relaxation and remembrance.
  • Honour the memory of a loved one — give a gift or donation in his or her name, light a candle, display pictures and/or share favourite stories with supportive people.
  • Discuss, ahead of time with family and/or friends, what each person can do to make this time special. Share in the responsibility, and see what can be eliminated or included to keep it less stressful.
  • If celebrating does not feel right, try volunteering this year.
  • Think about what part of this event you are not looking forward to, and discuss with other people ahead of time, what can be done to change it.
  • Remember, it is okay to laugh and enjoy yourself.
  • Leave an event early if you want or need to.
  • Make a shopping list ahead of time and shop on a good day.
  • Propose a toast to your loved one and invite people to share memories.
  • Give yourself permission to cut back on holiday decorations, preparations and gift-giving.

Print this out and keep it handy during any holiday to help you move through it.

Many blessings to you now and always,

Tania Boutin
www.taniaboutin.com