The process of working through grief – dealing with the emotions and the situations caused by a death, as well as the impact of the loss on mind, body and spirit – is frequently referred to as “Grief Work.” But although grief experiences are intensely personal, there are some fairly typical emotional stages of bereavement. These go from denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Within each stage are specific emotional and psychological tasks which must be worked through completely before you can move on to successfully complete the tasks of the next stage.

Although these stages are generally a predictable part of the mourning process, grief doesn’t always move in a straight line. These stages tend to flow together and fluctuate, so it’s not always possible to tell which stage you are in. Emotions seesaw, and overwhelming feelings pass and then return. Moods wash in and out like the tide. Just when you think you are over it, a sound, smell, or image can send you back into emotional turmoil. This back and forth movement may occur over a period of months or even years.

Becoming aware of the stages of grief can help you to work through the necessary grief work, which includes the following tasks:

  • Facing the reality of your loss
  • Working through painful memories
  • Experiencing the full range of emotions associated with loss
  • Coping with the situational and lifestyle changes resulting from your loss
  • Adapting to the loss, and reconfiguring your life

 THE THREE PHASES OF GRIEF TO MOVE THROUGH

The goal of grief work is not to find ways to avoid or bypass the emotional turmoil and upsets brought by your loss. Instead, its goals involve working through the tasks and emotions of each phase of grief.

Phase One: Change and Adjustment 

Phase Two: Emotional Immersion and Deconstruction

Phase Three: Recovery and Reconstruction

Phase One is a period of change and adjustment, in which the primary issues you face as someone newly bereaved can be broken down into four tasks:

  • Adjusting: Accepting that your loved one is gone and making sense of the new set of circumstances in your life.
  • Functioning: It’s a cruel irony that the practicalities of mortgage payments, funeral experiences, insurance claims, hospital bills, disbursement of possessions or getting back to work hit you at a time when you are least up to facing them. But despite you loss, you need to accept that you still have a life to lead, and must continue to deal with your everyday responsibilities.
  • Keeping in Check: The temptation in the face of tremendous loss is to emotionally shut down, or, at the other extreme, to let your emotions and behaviours flow unchecked. One of the tasks through part one is to find a way to manage your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
  • Accepting Support: Often, you don’t have to face your loss alone. Learning to accept the kindness, help, encouragement and support of the friends, family and others who populate your life is important.

Phase Two is a time of emotional immersion and deconstruction, and incorporates the most active aspects of grief work. It’s not that this part is any more intense than the first part – in fact, it’s difficult to imagine that anything could be more intense than the period immediately following a loss. But during part two, you’re likely to become deeply immersed in your feelings and very internally focused. It’s also quite common to undergo a deconstruction of your values and beliefs, as you question why your loved one was taken from you. The tasks associated with Part 2 include the following:

  • Contending with Reality: Once the shock of the death has passed, you must begin to more fully resume your normal life, accept that your loved one is gone, and deal with the life changes resulting from your loss.
  • Development of Insight: Part 2 is a time for soul searching ¡V the exploration of your place in the world, your current emotional state, and the meaning of your thoughts and feelings.
  • Reconstructing Personal Values and Beliefs: In the aftermath of the death and the many changes it may have brought, you need to find meaning in the world and establish what is – and isn’t – important in your life.
  • Acceptance and Letting Go: Here the task is to fully accept the death and your feelings about it, find a way to let go of that which has passed, and begin to move toward that which will be.

Phase Three is a time for Reconstruction of your New Normal, and is generally thought to be marked by your “recovery” from grief. But the loss of someone close to you leaves a permanent mark on your life, in the sense that things can’t be restored to the way they were before the death. However, you can begin to build, creating a “new” normal life for yourself and reengaging with the world around you. As this part ends, you’ll become prepared to accept the death itself, and the changes it’s brought to your life. Perhaps most important, you begin to live in the present, rather than the past, re-establish who you are in the world and plan a future. The primary tasks of this part are the following:

  • Development of Social Relations: Phase 2 was internally focused, but phase 3 is externally focused, as you re-establish friendships and renew community connections.
  • Decisions about Changes in Lifestyles: The task here is to make long-term practical choices about how to proceed with your life, including where to live, how to spend your time, what to keep from your old life, and what to change.
  • Renewal of Self-Awareness: This task involves consolidating the things you’ve learned about yourself and your life through your grief work, and building your daily life around this new self-awareness.
  • Acceptance of Responsibility: The task here is to both maintain your support network and become increasingly self-reliant, taking responsibility for your own happiness, well-being, and life course.