Transformational Coaching with Tania Boutin

The process of working through grief – dealing with the emotions and the situations caused by a death, as well as the impact of the loss on mind, body and spirit – is frequently referred to as “Grief Work.” But although grief experiences are intensely personal, there are some fairly typical emotional stages of bereavement. These go from denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Within each stage are specific emotional and psychological tasks which must be worked through completely before you can move on to successfully complete the tasks of the next stage.

Although these stages are generally a predictable part of the mourning process, grief doesn’t always move in a straight line. These stages tend to flow together and fluctuate, so it’s not always possible to tell which stage you are in. Emotions seesaw, and overwhelming feelings pass and then return. Moods wash in and out like the tide. Just when you think you are over it, a sound, smell, or image can send you back into emotional turmoil. This back and forth movement may occur over a period of months or even years.

Becoming aware of the stages of grief can help you to work through the necessary grief work, which includes the following tasks:

• Facing the reality of your loss
• Working through painful memories
• Experiencing the full range of emotions associated with loss
• Coping with the situational and lifestyle changes resulting from your loss
• Adapting to the loss, and reconfiguring your life

 THE THREE PHASES OF GRIEF TO MOVE THROUGH

The goal of grief work is not to find ways to avoid or bypass the emotional turmoil and upsets brought by your loss. Instead, its goals involve working through the tasks and emotions of each phase of grief.

Phase One: Change and Adjustment 

Phase Two: Emotional Immersion and Deconstruction

Phase Three: Recovery and Reconstruction

Phase One is a period of change and adjustment, in which the primary issues you face as someone newly bereaved can be broken down into four tasks:

• Adjusting: Accepting that your loved one is gone and making sense of the new set of circumstances in your life.
• Functioning: It’s a cruel irony that the practicalities of mortgage payments, funeral experiences, insurance claims, hospital bills, disbursement of possessions or getting back to work hit you at a time when you are least up to facing them. But despite you loss, you need to accept that you still have a life to lead, and must continue to deal with your everyday responsibilities.
• Keeping in Check: The temptation in the face of tremendous loss is to emotionally shut down, or, at the other extreme, to let your emotions and behaviours flow unchecked. One of the tasks through part one is to find a way to manage your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
• Accepting Support: Often, you don’t have to face your loss alone. Learning to accept the kindness, help, encouragement and support of the friends, family and others who populate your life is important.

Phase Two is a time of emotional immersion and deconstruction, and incorporates the most active aspects of grief work. It’s not that this part is any more intense than the first part – in fact, it’s difficult to imagine that anything could be more intense than the period immediately following a loss. But during part two, you’re likely to become deeply immersed in your feelings and very internally focused. It’s also quite common to undergo a deconstruction of your values and beliefs, as you question why your loved one was taken from you. The tasks associated with Part 2 include the following:

• Contending with Reality: Once the shock of the death has passed, you must begin to more fully resume your normal life, accept that your loved one is gone, and deal with the life changes resulting from your loss.
• Development of Insight: Part 2 is a time for soul searching ¡V the exploration of your place in the world, your current emotional state, and the meaning of your thoughts and feelings.
• Reconstructing Personal Values and Beliefs: In the aftermath of the death and the many changes it may have brought, you need to find meaning in the world and establish what is – and isn’t – important in your life.
• Acceptance and Letting Go: Here the task is to fully accept the death and your feelings about it, find a way to let go of that which has passed, and begin to move toward that which will be.

Phase Three is a time for Reconstruction of your New Normal, and is generally thought to be marked by your “recovery” from grief. But the loss of someone close to you leaves a permanent mark on your life, in the sense that things can’t be restored to the way they were before the death. However, you can begin to build, creating a “new” normal life for yourself and reengaging with the world around you. As this part ends, you’ll become prepared to accept the death itself, and the changes it’s brought to your life. Perhaps most important, you begin to live in the present, rather than the past, re-establish who you are in the world and plan a future. The primary tasks of this part are the following:

• Development of Social Relations: Phase 2 was internally focused, but phase 3 is externally focused, as you re-establish friendships and renew community connections.
• Decisions about Changes in Lifestyles: The task here is to make long-term practical choices about how to proceed with your life, including where to live, how to spend your time, what to keep from your old life, and what to change.
• Renewal of Self-Awareness: This task involves consolidating the things you’ve learned about yourself and your life through your grief work, and building your daily life around this new self-awareness.
• Acceptance of Responsibility: The task here is to both maintain your support network and become increasingly self-reliant, taking responsibility for your own happiness, well-being, and life course.

Special days, like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, Sundays and many, many others, offer challenges to anyone who has suffered a loss. These days are glaring reminders of the absence of a loved one. We may find that our emotionality is heightened just prior, during and just after any special day. Many people who are grieving are surprised at this phenomenon and truly feel blindsided.

Another surprise that often catches people unaware is the emotional difficulty they experience during the second year. This is often true because people think that they have managed this particular event without the loved one, so it will be easier the second time. They do not prepare for the emotional impact and are shocked. Or, they realize, with hindsight, that during the particular event in the first year they were quite numb, and in the second year they are fully feeling their feelings.

Here are some tips to help you through the holidays and any special days: 

• Get plenty of rest.
• Set reasonable expectations for yourself. Don’t try to do everything and see everyone.
• Be realistic about what can and cannot be done.
• Schedule brief breaks to be alone.
• Try to tell those around you what you really need, since they may not know how to help you. Ask for their understanding if you withdraw from an activity that doesn’t feel like a good idea to you.
• Acknowledge to yourself that the occasion may be painful at times.
• Let yourself feel whatever you feel.
• Express feelings in a way that is not hurtful.
• Don’t be afraid to rethink traditions. Keep in mind that traditions, even long-standing ones, can be changed and can be resumed next year, or not.
• Limit your time — grief is emotionally and physically exhausting.
• Take time for yourself for relaxation and remembrance.
• Honour the memory of a loved one — give a gift or donation in his or her name, light a candle, display pictures and/or share favourite stories with supportive people.
• Discuss, ahead of time with family and/or friends, what each person can do to make this time special. Share in the responsibility, and see what can be eliminated or included to keep it less stressful.
• If celebrating does not feel right, try volunteering this year.
• Think about what part of this event you are not looking forward to, and discuss with other people ahead of time, what can be done to change it.
• Remember, it is okay to laugh and enjoy yourself.
• Leave an event early if you want or need to.
• Make a shopping list ahead of time and shop on a good day.
• Propose a toast to your loved one and invite people to share memories.
• Give yourself permission to cut back on holiday decorations, preparations and gift-giving.

Print this out and keep it handy during any holiday to help you move through it.

Many blessings to you now and always,

Tania Boutin
www.taniaboutin.com

Happiness…now that is a feeling that so many people are trying to reach. But why is it so hard to find? We are constantly bombarded with negativity and unhappiness from other sources, that it seems almost inconceivable that we can be happy. “Life” as it so happens can seem like such a struggle on some days and for others, it seems to be like that for their entire life. How do we reach that point where we say to heck with what’s happening in other people’s lives, and let’s take note of what’s happening in ours.

Life – our life – can be controlled only by us because it is in our control. Do you really want to live your life in another person’s mould or by someone else’s thinking? Reach inside and tap into that beautiful, courageous, joyful, happy person that you are. By controlling what we allow into our thoughts, can have a huge impact on our perceptions. Making that conscious choice to follow your intuition, choosing positive, purposeful thoughts and disallowing the negative actions of others to influence our decisions and choices increases our happiness.

By surrounding yourself with people who uplift your spirit, encourage you to become the person you want to be and provide that loving support in all of your accomplishments can significantly boost your daily happiness level.

Happiness is a choice. You can either chose action and thought to bring you down or lift you up. We all have that option to choose happiness, which is available to use continually.

So, what are you going to choose?

Cheers,
Tania

“Who am I?” is the question that comes to mind as I sit here. What purpose does this transformation serve? What is the benefit? Well, I can tell you that who I am now is not who I was three years ago or even last year. Along with the world changing, so am I. Looking deep within me has prompted a lot of change in and around me and is becoming more and more apparent. The life that I used to lead was not bad, just empty. There was no purpose, besides the normal things of being a wonderful wife and loving mother. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love and adore those jobs, but what was it that I wanted to do, what was my destiny? How can I serve and help people enrich their lives? And in turn, that is what would provide the enrichment that I needed on this earth. 

Change is not bad or optional, it just is. Staying stagnant will not provide the growth internally and externally. As the saying goes, you should not go by the same philosophies at 40 as you did at 20. There is so much more to life than that. On this self-development path, there have been ups and downs as new thought patterns emerged and different perspectives and outlooks showed up. I can attain that not everyone will understand what is going on. Conquering change and letting it flow into your life has such a positive impact. Getting past the “old” story and letting go of what is not aligning with my purpose and passion, changing my mindset to grab a hold of all the knowledge available to increase my self-worth, competency and to know that I am deserving of a full life, is a process, but it was and is one that inspires and contributes to letting old habits, beliefs and patterns that serve no more purpose to fall away.

When I ponder the questions that I asked at the beginning, as to “Who am I?” the answer to that is a person of growth and change. A person who accepts life and all its excitement and challenges. What is the purpose and benefit of this transformation? More than you can imagine! Having a life of purpose, being able to grow and change and feel true inspiration, happiness and passion. That is what makes this journey worthwhile.

Change is not something to be feared. It is a beautiful experience and it will happen. Scary at times, but with being able to push past that fear that everything must remain the same, and to set out on a journey of your own self discovery can be threatening to some. By thinking of yourself, you set it in motion that you are worth finding and exploring. Finding the “thing(s)” that gets you motivated to do what you do and to have the positive focus on your life and benefit to others, not only gives you a more fulfilled life but strengthens you as a whole. The people around you will need to love you for you and accept all the good that has transpired within and around you. Mapping out the life that you desire and taking all the necessary steps helps you take action and responsibility for you. Only you can make those changes, nobody else.

What are you doing to change your life? Are you living the authentic, passion-filled, happy life that you’ve imagined you’d have? What is holding you back? What step can you do today to head in the direction of your goals and dreams? Take back your power and reclaim your life!

Cheers,

Tania Boutin
Certified Grief and New Life Story Coach™
www.taniaboutin.com

Have you ever stopped to realize what it is that you really want to do and accomplish in your life? Many of us are so busy with our demanding, active lives that we do not take the time to sit back and see if we are on track with what we really want. Moving forward and making the choice to follow our passion and dreams can be quite daunting – but have you ever thought of the alternative? 

What would happen if you lived your life on someone else’s terms by not:

• Achieving the goals that you wish for
• Constantly live in a dream land and not take action to see those dreams come to fruition
• Be unfulfilled and unhappy with your life
• Have a job that you can’t bear to go to every day
• Continually walk around with a chip on your shoulder

That does not sound like a life that I would wish to live, how about you?

Life is not meant to be hard, unhappy, uneventful, unfulfilling. Life is what you make of it! Sitting back and watching your life go by and not knowing your purpose or what makes you happy will not get you the happiness and satisfaction you wish and deserve. As the saying goes, “Life is what happens when you sit there watching”. Why not make good use of your time and life? You only get ONE chance!

Most people do not take the time for change and self reflection. They use the excuse of a “hectic” day, but the underlying reason behind it is a very scary place to look and think about. Fear is what holds them back. Are you taking that time? When you push past your fear and know that you are safe and secure to go to that place of self-knowing and understanding, you will finally take your life by the horns and make the decisions that are for your benefit. Nobody else can do this for you. You are not your title, you are a person that has a lot of love to give and receive. Life is meant to be lived in a forward motion, not backward. Your past is where it is supposed to be, so learn from your past events, situations and lessons, and shift forward – one step at a time.

Are you ready to face your fears and jump with two feet in to find out who you are authentically? What is it that you really want out of life? Who are you REALLY?  Make time today to think about YOU!

Each of us writes out own personal story and makes sense of things by fitting incidents and events into our unique plot.  This story fills in the blanks and connects the dots to complete the picture of who and what we are.  Events, images, and expericens for the patterns and storylines of that plot.  We construct meanings to make sense of our life, and determine what is rememberted as a story of our identity. Reality validates and affirms those assumptions, as we live out our expectations.

“Using our beliefs and assumptions, we create our own personal story and the themes of that story. The plot defines and orents us in the present and guides us toward the future.  The stories we tell about our life become our life.  The stories we tell about ouor past become our past.”

That we are always right about our assumptions never comes into question, only further etches those beliefs as reality.  And we are always creating our own story, so reality self-validates.

When you stop telling yourself all the things you should say and cease listening for what you ought to hear, you can begin to recognize your own story more fully.  Half the struggle happens when when you become tired of your old story: the story in which you work too many hours, feel under pressure at work, and perpetually feel short on time. Or the story in which you are the caretaker of others.  Or the scapegoat. Or continue to fall in love with an ideal you hope someone will become, rather than who that person is.  Perhaps you don’t fully know your own story; you just realize there are aspects you don’t much like.  This is a beginning. An you don’t need to know the story you should have written 5 years ago.

“Growth and change begins with personal story ownership: the recognition that we are the authors of our own stories.”

Taking ownership of a life story begin the process of inquiry.  Only by accepting ownership can you proceed to assess the storylines and decide what to change.

Written by New Life Story Coaching Program Facilitator David Kreuger

Cheers:)

Tania Boutin

Transformational Coaching with Tania Boutin

www.taniaboutin.com

After losing a loved one, your life changes dramatically. The person who was always there for you as a close family member, companion or friend is no longer with you. The experience is overwhelming emotionally, mentally and physically. As you move through the grieving process, you discover that your own life must go on, but adapting to your “New Normal” is challenging and can be confusing and painful. However, there are ways to ease your hurt and uncertainty about moving forward through the creative expression of your past experiences and your promising future. 

Life Review

Participating in a Life Review can help you overcome previous events and open the doors to what’s next for you. It is a therapeutic technique used by coaches certified in this specialty that guides people in the reflection of their lives from early childhood to the present. A Life Review allows individuals to learn from their experiences, handle unresolved issues and ultimately, achieve a state of life acceptance. Participants benefit from increased life satisfaction and reduced depression, while being given the opportunity for reconciliation, acceptance and peace. Although not required, it does help to participate in a Life Review prior to developing your New Life Story.

New Life Story 

Creating a New Life Story helps you explore your “New Normal.” A professional who is licensed as New Life Story coach will lead you through this unique system while helping you build a solid roadmap for your future. By guiding you through various elements of your life, you focus on what’s working and what can be changed for success with money, career, relationships, wellness and your mindset. It is a chance to reinvent yourself without losing sight of the cherished memories of your loved one.

Losing a loved one is traumatic. But, by knowing that there are ways you can cope with your grief, the pain and challenges associated with death can be somewhat lessened. By overcoming obstacles that may be holding you back in moving forward in the grieving process and by creating a new future for yourself, you will find that your “New Normal” can be rewarding and peaceful.

Many blessings on your “New Normal” journey,

Tania
Certified Bereavement Coach | Chronic Illness/Cancer Recovery Coach

If you have lost your spouse and experience periods of loneliness, you are not alone in how you feel. During the grief coaching process, there is a noticeable pattern with the widows who have shared their experiences with me. Although every person’s grief is a unique journey, there is the common thread of loneliness that is felt for quite a while after the death of a spouse.

Coping with loneliness is one of the most profound and pronounced aspects of the grieving process. Even the person who is well-equipped on how to handle their own bereavement process may still find herself working through this period of loneliness as one of the hardest parts. It’s not something you can easily prepare for.

Having your spouse at home when you walk through the door is, many times, disregarded until that person is no longer there to greet you, or even to feel his presence. Knowing that he will be back shortly, “hogging” his side of the bed or making loud noises is most of the time taken for granted that he will be there forever. It’s when he is really gone that you tend to notice all the habits that he had, as well as missing someone to talk to and to make decisions with. This is the time during the day or night that widows seem to truly feel the loneliness.

While loneliness during the grieving process cannot be completely avoided, doing things you’ve always enjoyed doing helps alleviate some of the pain. It’s important to take care of yourself and your needs. Getting out of the house and being out in the world may seem difficult during this time, but it is necessary for growth and getting through the long journey of grieving. Maintain balance by keeping yourself busy, but not burying your grief, with various activities. This can help you move through periods of loneliness more easily.

Feeling lonely is a universal feeling that most widows experience. If you know of others who have lost spouses, get together with them and move through this journey together by starting or joining a local support group. You can even talk to your loved one as if he is with you, or perhaps get a pet to keep you company. Journaling about your feelings is also helpful and will get you through these tough times. These suggestions will never replace your spouse, but they will assist in getting you through this tough time and move into your “New Normal”.

Give yourself plenty of time to grieve because there are many emotions that you will go through –some good and some bad — but make sure to fully feel them and not run away from them. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Mourners have the right to feel whatever emotions surface and are justified in the many ways in which they deal with grief, especially feelings of loneliness.

Many Blessings on your Journey,

Tania
Certified Bereavement Coach | Chronic Illness / Cancer Recovery Coach

Choices are something we may not realize we have at our disposal. Everything we do, think or have has been by choice. Whether we see or accept that statement, just know that we have the power to make choices. Choosing NOT to make a choice is a choice, as well.

Our emotions allow just two options: positive and negative. Within these positive and negative feelings are a multitude of emotions, but they are still positive or negative. We can only decide to have one at time. It is possible to alternate between feeling happy or sad, but we can’t be happy and sad at the same time.

If we are constantly choosing a negative feeling, how do you think that will affect your life? And the same holds true with a positive feeling. How would choosing positive thoughts and circumstances affect your life? Having a mixture of emotions and moving up and down the emotional scale is totally normal and a part of life.

Life can be challenging and confusing. Many times, it throws unexpected curve balls at us. It may make us second-guess some of our choices. But if we follow our “gut” instincts, which is our intuition, life can lead to a path of peace and understanding.

When we take a step back and realize that everything we do, or not do, is actually a choice, then we truly notice how “things” start to open us up to a new perspective. We can choose our fate and the ending of our life story. So, I’ll end with this: What are YOU choosing?

Grief, like any emotion, can’t be removed completely from your life. Whether it’s happiness, anger, fear or anticipation, these feelings follow you and remain as a part of how you function as a dynamic human being. If you’ve experienced a major loss, grief will most likely stay with you wherever you go, as well. By changing your pace and getting away from your daily routine, your feelings of despair may be more manageable.

Most people can’t afford to go away on a lavish holiday to a tropical island, or, in many cases, they are unable to take time off from work – especially after taking time off for a recent loss. But this doesn’t mean you can’t be creative in planning even a small amount of time away to rejuvenate your mind and reflect on your loss in a more positive light.

Consider a day trip. This can be scheduled on a day that you typically would not be working. Talk to people who share the same interests as you to find out where they’ve traveled to in your region. It could be as simple as a trip to the lake for peaceful reflection time, or an activity that is as vigorous as rock climbing. No matter what your tastes are, there are things to do within driving distance that will help you manage grief in an optimistic way.

If you have a little bit of money put aside, try getting away for the weekend. Choose a place that you’ve never been to before and explore what the area has to offer. Although your feelings of despair may follow you, you can turn them around by lifting your spirits with time spent in an interesting museum, sampling different foods and meeting new people.

Even with little money and time, it is possible to modify your routine so you can manage grief positively. By getting away from what you do on a daily basis, you’re more likely to focus on experiencing new and exciting places and people – helping you to create new memories and traditions.

What places have you visited that have helped you manage your grief in a more positive manner?